SUV Enlightenment
By this point in American culture, you either hate SUV drivers or you don’t. If you do, I don’t need to explain why. If you don’t, I’m not going to be able to convince you. I’ve always been in the “hate” camp, but hate is an ugly and self-destructive emotion, so I’ve been trying to come to a new understanding of the situation, and I’ve just had a little revelation.
So, for the haters: Don’t you wish you could just slap a big fat fine on the fuckers? Hit ‘em in the wallet, right where it hurts. Just POW! “You are hereby fined ten thousand dollars for being a timid, self-aggrandizing, selfish little bitch.” Wouldn’t that be awesome?
Then I realized that it’s already been done. Those things don’t come cheap. The low-end SUVs, what we’ll call the “peasant” models, are $30K to $40K. Those are the ones that are most likely to be put to be use in either their “sport” or “utility” capacities, hauling lumber or off-roading. They are not the focus of The Hate. The luxury SUVs, the ones that are just for taking the kids to soccer practice and impressing the neighbors, those are more in the $55K to $70K range: The Lexus LX 470, Lincoln Navigator, Cadillac Escalade, Hummer H2.
A car is a car. It gets you from point A to point B. You can get a new, perfectly functional car for under $20K. Even if you need a wagon for the kids, you can do it under $25K (and you can even get some mini-vans in that range).
On top of that, you’ve got taxes, or at least we do here in Virginia. (For you non-VA people, we have lower state income taxes, but we pay a personal property tax on cars that works out to about 1.5% on the first $20K, and 4.5% above that.) On a $20K car, that comes to about $300 a year. On a $60K gold-plated bling-monster, it’s somewhere north of two grand.
Then there’s gas. The H2 gets about 10 mpg. 15,000 miles a year at 10 mpg and $2.50 a gallon comes to $3750. Any other self-respecting car will get 25 mpg (and those cute little hybrids can double that). That’s $1500. Not exactly free, but there’s a significant gap there.
So all in all, we can safely peg the fine for being an arrogant, self-absorbed asshole at $30,000, plus $4,000 a year. Well, that pretty well satisfies my sense of justice. I’ll sleep easier now. And when I’m out driving around, I won’t get angry anymore. I’ll just be thinking, “You poor suckers…”
The other part of this is that I used to think of the SUV manufacturers as part of the problem - greedy, heartless corporations fueling this automotive gluttony. But from this new perspective, Lexus, for example, is more like a socialist charity for automotive workers, playing on the insecurities of rich suburbanites to swindle them out of vast sums of money. I’m cool with that.
February 6th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
For some reason this post bugs me, and I can’t stop thinking about it. Maybe it’s the subjective elitism.
How far from home is your job? How do you get to work every day? Do you carpool? Do you drive a new car, or keep an old car running? And given your answers, do you think you’re statistically less of a contributor to “automotive gluttony” than an Escalade owner? Do you do anything to change the situation rather than look around at other people and consider them poor suckers?
Then you call other people arrogant and self-absorbed. I dunno, man.
February 7th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
First, SUVs bug me, but I don’t have the burning hatred that a lot of people seem to. This wasn’t about me coming up with reasons to hate SUV owners. It was about taking the reasons that other people hate them, and showing how they’re kinda pointless. To me, this post was just a humorous insight, with the aim of getting the haters to chill out a bit.
“Elitism” is a funny way to describe it - it’s more anti-elitism. There’s a similar sort of hostility toward SUVs, luxury cars, and McMansions - a knee-jerk reaction against ostentation. The assumption is that people buy these things because they’re trying to show that they’re better, more successful, than others. Implicit in that is the belief that monetary wealth equates to personal worth, which is also objectionable.
Now, that reasoning makes assumptions about a person’s character and motivation, and then damns them for it, which isn’t terribly fair. I don’t know a lot of people with McMansions and luxury SUVs, but they’re not evil, or even particularly selfish. I don’t think I’ve heard any of the SUV owners brag about being able to intimidate other drivers. They’re worried about getting in accidents, particularly with their children. They’re not thinking, “Yeah, the other guy will probably die, but I’m cool with that.”
The fuel economy, ecological impact, all that stuff, that’s the sort of irritation you have for someone who cuts in line, or doesn’t pick up after their dog, or throws trash in the recycling bin. It’s social pressure to curb antisocial behavior. You go out of your way to do the right thing, and it’s annoying to see someone being self-indulgent. And yes, there are people who get really self-riteous about this kinda thing, with the more globally conscious than thou attitude. I think they’re jerks, too. I’m not terribly smug about all that. I metroed to work last winter, and biked all summer, but I’m not particularly interested in copping an attitude about that. I’ve been driving since it got dark and cold.
April 11th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
Colin,
This comment is not specifically about your SUV post, but I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your writing. The picture hanging entry particularly struck home with my experiences at the moment - currently learning Oracle.
It’s a pity there aren’t more entries, I’m keen to read more, but thanks for what you’ve done so far.
Mark